Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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