lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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