I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
