why do cheetos always look like penises
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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