i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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