I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
