i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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