my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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