I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
