I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize