: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize