Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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