Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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