I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
