I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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