K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
