we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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