He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
