peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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