Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
