please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
