I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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