Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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