that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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