Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
