Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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