if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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