meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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