I wish I could punch you in the face.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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