Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
