3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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