shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
