Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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