So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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