she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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