if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
