Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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