Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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