do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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