oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
