You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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