you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
