Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
