why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
