my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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