So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
