i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
