Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
