If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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