guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
