I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
