Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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