its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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