pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize