you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
