when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
