I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
