We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I could make wine with my vomit
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
