No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
