Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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